New Survey on Infidelity: It’s Worse Than You Think
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Nothing in life is more devastating than the infidelity of a
mate. When your partner breaks their vows and you discover
they have lied to you, and before the altar of whatever god
you worship, the earth moves beneath your feet. It can
destroy your faith in your partner, in marriage, and
sometimes even in love.

How can you ever trust them again?

Yet we know that less than 10% of marriages involving sexual
infidelity end in divorce, while the overall rate is 50%.
How do we make sense of this?

A STORY OF TERRIBLE INFIDELITY

This is one of the worst stories I’ve heard, told by a
minister. He had been a workaholic in the early years of
his marriage. His wife accused him of not caring about her
and the kids, and he counter-accused her of not caring about
him or his career, and they argued continually.

Then one day he realized there was nothing but silence.
Their marriage had become an empty shell, except for
smouldering resentment.

“I got the message,” he said, “when I realized she wasn’t
even complaining about it any more. She had given up.”

Scared, he started to make amends. “I told her I would
start coming home at 6 for dinner every night,” he said,
“and I told her I meant it.”

“She just shrugged,” he said. “She no longer believed
anything I said.”

ANOTHER INFIDELITY

Marjorie and Josh met on the Internet and shared their
divorce war-stories. Marjorie’s husband had just walked out
one day. She hadn’t known he was unhappy. Josh had
divorced because all they did was fight. Josh and Marjorie
fell in love and agreed this marriage would be different.
They would tell each other when unhappy, ask for what they
needed, and not fight. Neither would hurt the other, and
they would meet each other’s needs. They deserved no less.

And then it happened. They had a fierce argument (Josh’s
worse nightmare) and he walked out (Marjorie’s worse
nightmare.) The fight was about the toaster oven.

MORE STORIES

The following couples also broke their marriage vows,
failing to love the other:

1 Mary broke her vows to Tom when she chose to take a
vacation with her sister instead of him.
2 Robert broke his vows when he told Ingrid one night to
grow up, that he was too tired to listen to her whining.
3 Sonja broke her vows to Mario when she refused to have sex
for a month.
4 Juan broke his vows to Nena when he told her he’d changed
his mind and didn’t want to have children.
5 Shannon broke her vows to Tony when she lost her temper
one day and told him he was a “jacka**,” an “infant,” and a
“tyrant” when he complained about the Struffoli.
6 Sun Yin broke his vows to Mai Li when he acted like her
father, demeaning her and telling her she didn’t have what
it took to pursue a career.

100% OF COUPLES ARE UNFAITHFUL

Every couple starts out with the best of intentions, and
great expectations. We plan to love one another and meet
one another’s needs, anticipate them even. We will deliver
the love they’ve never had, making up for past hurts,
listening, being patient and kind, setting records in the
bedroom, making our home a bower of bliss, and never, never,
never hurting one another.

And yet we all fail. Sexual infidelity may be the least of
it, devastating as it is, if only 10% divorce because of it.
Did I read that statistic wrong? Statistics in this area
are tricky, yet I suspect this one is close. We know that
very few cheaters marry the object of the cheating, even if
they divorce (or are divorced). We know intuitively it’s
not what it appears to be about; sex never is. And for some
couples, extra-marital sex is tacitly condoned.

HOW DO YOU HEAL?

Therapists believe a couple can survive infidelity. Couples
in fact survive all sorts of infidelity.

One day, for every couple, the honeymoon is over and it
becomes clear to both parties that the promises during the
courtship are not going to be met. Bill will not be
delivering the moon, as advertised, and Amanda has committed
the unforgiveable sin of putting on 15 lbs. The romance of
the century has turned into a negotiated cease fire.

THE ROAD BACK

The minister in the story kept his word. He set about
winning his wife’s faith back. “It took a couple of years,”
he said, “before she believed I really would come home every
night at 6 p.m.”

For this couple the issue-of-the-moment was eventually
addressed. I suspect they went on to others issues. They
also took a look at their idealized yearnings, and the
nature of human frailties.

Tom got over that Mary temporarily chose her sister over
him.

Sonja and Mario had a talk, and he agreed to try something
besides “We’re gonna do it tonight” over the dinner table.

Robert apologized to Ingrid from the bottom of his heart and
gave her a gift card saying “3 hours of my undivided
attention, your call when.”

Mai Li won her battle to get a job outside the home, and Sun
Yin admits he’s secretly proud of her.

Tony and Shannon decided to get coaching because they both
had bad tempers and needed to work on their EQ. Meanwhile
they reassure one another – Tony, that he won’t walk out
again, and Shannon that she’ll hold her tongue. “I half
believe him now,” says Shannon, a year later.

Juan and Nena continued in agony, as theirs is an issue for
which there can be no compromise, and the end of that story
isn’t written yet. Neither has been able to put “the other”
in front of their need to have, or have not, children. Not
all stories have a happy ending, and not all marriages can
be saved.

TRUST

We all have our sensitive areas and when they’re trodden
upon, as only someone intimate with us can, we no longer
feel safe, which is the definition of love. How do we win
the other back, allowing them to feel safe again? Marjorie
and Tony were traumatized by the encounter, having brought
about exactly what each feared the most. Sometimes I think
we do this in order for there to be healing. In the
best-case scenario, it gets worked through.

Oh! I left out a story about sexual infidelity. Here’s a
true one, details changed. David’s wife got cancer. David
had a demanding job and they had two toddlers and a lot of
debts. David hooked up with his high-school sweetheart,
Sondra, newly divorced. They had sex once. The rest of the
time he went over there, they just held each other in bed,
and sometimes David cried.

How did it end? David’s wife, for whom he had been a rock,
never found out, and is now 5 years in remission. Sondra
has remarried. She and David talk occasionally.

Things are not always as they seem.

LEARNING TO LOVE

It was Paul Pearsall who advised “Don’t get married because
you’re in love, get married when you’re ready to learn to
love.”

There will be ample opportunity! Our intimate relationships
are where we practice.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc  ,
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and
ebooks for your personal and professional success. EQ coach
certification program. Think your partner is cheating?
Find out. TheCloser, www.thecloser.cc , offers
investigative services, resources, books, and coaching for
delicate situations.


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