Is Conflict Healthy In Marriage?
Keishia Lee-Louis

Today my three-year-old daughter told my husband that she wants
to be married. When he asked her why, she replied, "Because you
get to be nice to one another".

Are you nice to your partner? Or do you find yourself involved
in heated competition, endless cycles of discord, and/or
tiresome critical thinking?

According to Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for
Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE), "Every
happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of
'incompatibility' or disagreement that they will never
resolve." In other words, it's possible to disagree with your
spouse and still have a fulfilling relationship. It's all in
how you do it.

Because you and your spouse may have ten issues that you will
not be able to agree upon at any given time, how will you be
able to resolve these conflicts and maintain a happy medium in
your household?

First and foremost don't avoid or side step the concerns that
each of you have. Conflict in marriage is not an "if", but
rather a "when". And according to Sollee, avoidance is one of
the key factors determining a couple's separation and divorce.
Make sure you voice your opinions, but do it with the
understanding that you don't need to change your spouse. Focus,
rather, on the way you present yourself in times of conflict.

Secondly, welcome and embrace change. While you have committed
to "love until death", you haven't promised to stay the same
through the course of your life. Everyone is learning and
growing at different paces and in different places. Don't let
this growth, change the positive ways you act towards your
husband or wife.

Next, understand that even if you were to divorce and remarry,
you would still have to deal with the short comings of your new
partner and they would have to deal with yours. You'd just have
a new set of disagreements. Nobody's perfect. Realizing this
fact and internalizing it, will give you a better grip on how
to cope with the irreconcilable differences you have in your
current marriage.

Finally, don't let your disagreements contaminate the rest of
your relationship. Choose to exhibit positive behaviors towards
your spouse. Deciding to become more affectionate or offering
encouraging words on a regular basis can go a long way. It will
get you through some tough times. Often partners eventually
mirror each other's behavior inside and outside of their
disagreements.

Don't let conflict put a sour taste in your relationship. If
you want to have a healthy and happy marriage, your goal can be
to agree with the understanding that disagreeing is a part of
life.

For more information about Diane Sollee and the Coalition for
Marriage, Family and Couples Education visit
http://www.smartmarriages.com

About The Author: Keishia Lee-Louis is the Executive Editor of
http://www.Married4Good.com (November 2005). Her work has
appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in many
other publications. Currently, she's writing a book on
marriage, which will be published in 2006. If you'd like to see
more of her work, visit http://married4good.blogspot.com


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