Surviving Perfection – confessions of a desperate
housewife
By Alvah Parker
Recently I read an article about an attorney who took
paternity leave so his wife (also an attorney) could go back
to work. He was a stay-at-home Dad from the time his son
was 3 months until his son was 9 months. The article
detailed how the attorney initially was sure he would have
time during the day to read, study, and write while his new
son napped. Instead he found his schedule exhausting with
little time to rest. His law practice looked easy compared
to this!
Parenting whether for an infant, toddler or teenager takes
an enormous amount of energy. Sometimes it is physical
energy as with a baby or young child and sometimes it is
mental energy as with a teenager.
As a young parent it didn't occur to me to complain to my
friends or family that I felt disillusioned about the whole
motherhood bit. I loved my children and wanted to be a
"perfect mother". That meant cooking, cleaning, playing,
disciplining etc. all perfectly. To keep that sort of
appearance up is extremely tiring. Do I sound a bit like a
"Desperate Housewife"?!
My own behavior was not the best role model for my own
children. Thank goodness they survived my over
industriousness!
Actively choosing what we want to spend our energy on is an
important life lesson. I had a picture of a perfect mother
in my head and I was trying to be that model. There was a
lot about motherhood I did like but my desire for
perfectionism was making it difficult for me to enjoy it.
Sometimes I got so caught up in taking care of everyone else
in the family that I barely had time for myself. How easy
it was to get resentful and even angry! In those days I
never thought about what I wanted in my life. Hard to
believe but I'm not sure at that time I even knew what was
fun for me!
Perhaps I was an extreme example in a different world. (This
all happened in the late 60s and early 70s,) Instead today
I hear mother's talk about thinking about their kids while
they are at work and their work while they are home with the
kids. That has to be draining too. Ask any mother to make
a list of the people in her life who are most important and
I'll bet she doesn't even think about putting her own name
on the list!
Both mothers and fathers want to bring their full energy
into their parenting. One way to make sure you do that is
to ask yourself, "Where am I losing my energy?" Some of the
most common places are: lack of self care, too much debt,
trying to be perfect, and work guilt.
Once you are aware of your own energy deficiencies it is
time to make a plan to do something about them. Sometimes
the answer of what to do is obvious and taking action easy.
If not then get some help. There are parenting groups,
coaches, therapists, and financial advisors who can offer
advice and support. The next step is up to you.
Alvah Parker is a Business and Career Coach as well as
publisher of Parker's Points, an email tip list and Road to
Success, an ezine. Her clients are managers, business
owners, sole practitioners, attorneys and people in
transition. Alvah is found on the web at www.asparker.com.
She may also be reached at 781-598-0388. To learn more
about parenting issues go to the website
www.awesomeparents.com for
tips and ideas about parenting.
The site also offers conference calls for mothers and
fathers to share their parenting issues and ideas.
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