10 Tips for Visiting Someone Who is Sick
Written by Christine Miserandino
I have unfortunately been on both sides of this article. I have spent
time visiting friends and family when they have been sick, but I have
more often been the patient everyone is visiting. Many of the visits
went very well, but unfortunately others didn't go so well for them
or me. Hopefully my mistakes or my tips from experience will help
you. Visiting someone who is sick isn't always easy, but it can be an
enjoyable time and it should primarily be a comfort for the patient.
Many family members and friends find it difficult to visit someone
who is sick. If the person is in the hospital, it may be more
difficult for some to visit because of past negative experiences they
have had at a hospital. Many visitors are anxious or find it
stressful to be around a patient because they are dealing with their
own fears of sickness. It is natural to hesitate in seeing someone
you love or care about, who is in pain or seriously ill.
Unfortunately, many people end up not visiting, because they do not
know what to do or say to help.
Most patients I have spoken to just want the company. They want to
feel loved and thought about. They do not want to be forgotten,
though they might be out of the "social loop".
I know when I was sick and had visitors it was a welcome distraction
from the reality of what was going on. It was nice to at least try to
forget and feel "normal" even for only a short time.
When visiting someone who is sick, here are some suggestions that may
help both the visitor and the patient.
1. Before visiting the patient, phone ahead to let him or her know
you are coming. That is just plain common sense. Your friend or loved
one will appreciate you finding out a convenient time to visit. Some
times a patient has had too many visitors, has gone through painful
treatments or just needs to nap. If the person is sick at home and
being cared for by a caregiver, knowing when you are coming may give
that person a chance to run errands or plan for some personal time
alone. At least it will give them a chance to tidy up the room or
help the patient get ready for your visit. I know I have wished
people had called first when I was receiving visitors, because I
might not have been dressed appropriately and a robe or change of
clothes would have made me more comfortable, etc.
The simple act of a phone call creates the anticipation of a visit,
something to look forward to. Calling in advance also puts the
patient in charge. Being sick often results in a forced passivity.
When you phone and ask if it is all right to visit, the patient is
able to exercise some control in whether they feel up to visitors at
that time.
2. Do your research. If the person you are visiting is in a hospital
or rehab facility, then call ahead to see when visiting hours are.
Ask if there are any other restrictions. Some facilities do not allow
children or pets. Find out if it is all right for the patient to
receive flowers or food of any kind. You do not want to bring your
friend's favorite brand of chocolate, only to find out that they are
on a special diet and can not eat it right now. Inquire as to what
you are allowed to bring. Can the patient eat food brought in from
the outside? Can she have flowers etc? Some patients are very
sensitive to perfumes or smells, so check if this is the case and
leave those types of things at home. The most important point here is
to ask questions.
3. Don't plan on a long visit. Hospital patients have a busy schedule
and sick people often tire easily. It is better to visit briefly but
more often, than to visit once for a long time. When the patient
tires, leave courteously with a promise to return another time or to
call. Stay long enough to put a smile on their face, but not too long
as to see their smile tire. Most people would rather have many
visits, then one long dragged out one.
This should also help to put the visitor at ease. If you plan on a
short visit, you do not need to worry about what to say or how
to "fill up" time. A 15-20 minute visit is just long enough to say
hello, catch up, help out and leave. You can play a game for 20
minutes, or take a walk. Stay as long as the patient wants.
4. Bring the patient a small gift. This is not about money spent- the
gift can be something you made, like a card. Let's face facts, we all
like receiving gifts, especially when we are not feeling our best. A
newspaper or magazine can reinforce a sense of connection to the
outside world. Besides being pretty- flowers, plants or cards leave
tangible evidence of the visit. I remember when I was in the hospital
I spent hours looking at my "wall of cards" and reminisced about who
came to visit me. It always brought a smile to my face, even if it
was days after the person left.
Bring something that can be a distraction after you have left.
Crossword puzzle books, reading books, even lotto scratch off's.
Anything that they can easily do on their own. Many places do not
allow visitors after certain hours, so your gift will help with the
boredom at night and be a welcome relief.
Bring something that will help make the experience nicer. Blankets,
new pajamas, slippers, new lotions, soaps, or a soft pillow can make
the time spent in bed for a patient more enjoyable. Gifts like these
will be much appreciated.
Ask nurses or caregivers if it is ok to give the patient food or
treats. Bring the patient their favorite candy or snack. If they are
having appetite trouble maybe a gift of their favorite food might
help.
5. Have Fun. Bring an activity with you. Sometimes we learn the most
about someone while doing something together. It takes the pressure
off coming up with conversation, while providing a non-threatening
atmosphere. The focus becomes the activity and not the person and
their disability and that is refreshing. It could be a board game,
craft activity, movie, or even food. If the individual has a
computer, you could surf the net for helpful resources or community
services. Bring the newspaper and talk about current events. Give her
a manicure or fix her hair. Bring a friend or children to visit. Be
creative.
Some of my best memories in the hospital were when my mom played
Scrabble with me all night until I fell asleep. It was great to get
my mind of being sick and it also was a great way for us to pass the
time.
6. When visiting, help with concrete tasks. After getting the sick
person's consent; help by straightening the bed, watering plants,
straightening up the room, or any other chore that helps the patient
or makes their surroundings look well attended.
It also might be helpful to offer to do things in the "outside" world
for the patient. When we are sick, we do not have the energy, ability
or time to do simple things, but quite often those are the very
things we worry about not getting done. Picking up mail, helping go
through bills, watering the lawn, or even cooking meals, can truly
make someone's day. What might seem like an easy task for you can
really help someone who is too sick to do these things for themselves
or their own family.
It is very hard not to be able to do for yourself. Many times when I
am not feeling well, I might be too embarrassed to ask for help, but
I am very happy to accept it when it is offered.
7. Don't be afraid to sit in silence. As with any situation where we
are trying to bring comfort and friendship to someone who is
suffering, the primary statement we can make is not through any words
we speak, but through our presence. Do not force conversation, but
let it come naturally. Fight the need to fill up every bit of
silence. Just being a good friend and making the effort to be there
is enough.
If you can't think of anything to talk about, feel free to simply
say, I love you, I care and I am here for you if you need me. Those
few simple words will mean more to the person then you will ever
know, and will definitely be better then making up chatter.
8. Help the Helper. Besides being the patient, there is nothing
harder then being the primary caregiver. Most times these are the
people that are right there with the patient, often both day and
night. The caregiver has the daunting task of trying to juggle the
life outside and the life with the person who is sick. Usually they
are going on little or no sleep and are filled with worry and concern
for the one they love, while trying to show a strong face. Ask if you
can help them in any way also. Offer to baby-sit kids, even for a ½
hour, make dinner, or offer to order in, ask if they want you to go
get a rental movie or if you can sit and talk with the patient while
they shower or make phone calls, etc.
9. Prepare for when they come home. Depending on how long the patient
is in the hospital, or depending how long the person has been sick,
it might be hard to get back into the swing of a normal daily
routine. Offer to help with laundry or help clean or dust so they
come home to a less stale smelling place. Help clean out the fridge,
or maybe help re-stock it before they get home. Open the windows and
let some fresh air in. If they need help now to do things, offer to
drive them to the store or doctor's appointments. It is the little
things that go a long way to make the patient feel back at home.
10. Do not forget about them the second they get better. Being sick
gives you many different types of attention, whether you like it or
not and the fact is that it can be very lonely when it all goes away.
I have heard from many patients that the worst thing about being sick
is when they started to feel better! That is when they were alone
with no one offering to help or to lift their spirits. Still make
visits, send cards or offer to help for the next few weeks during
this transitional time. They might not need the same things, and it
might not feel as "urgent" but still visit. They need to feel loved
now too. They need the strength to continue to feel better.
Do Something! All the tips listed above are to help you, but they are
not "rules". Do what your heart tells you to do. Do what you feel is
best. It is never too late and no gesture is ever too small. If it is
from you then it is just right. Do not let your fear, anxiety or busy
schedule stop you from being there for someone who could really use
it, and will appreciate it
The worst thing you can do for someone who is sick is nothing.
© 2005 by Christine Miserandino Butyoudontlooksick.com
Christine Miserandino is a writer, motivational
speaker, and patient advocate from NY. She also happens to be someone
who is living with Lupus. Her writing has been featured in numerous
newspapers, magazines, medical newsletters and television media.
Check out
http://www.ButYouDontLookSick.com to read more of her
articles, and to receive her monthly newsletter.
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